; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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