apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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