i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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