he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
