i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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