Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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