don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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