K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
