Dude my mom stole all your condoms
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
did you just send me my own nude
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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