i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
