quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
