It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
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it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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