What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
