I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
