in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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