I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
