grandma shit on top of the toilet
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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