tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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