Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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