I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
