I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
