I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
