my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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