I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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