This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His hands were made for my vagina.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
