I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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