There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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