So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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