I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
