Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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