mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
