I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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