Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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