The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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