So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
