At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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