I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
