I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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