he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
