i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
