I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
