I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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