They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
