You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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