I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
