i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
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