haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
