Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
