it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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