I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
