i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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