you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
And then he peed in my hair
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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