Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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