I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
