tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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