I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
