she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
