the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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