Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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