And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And then my night got REAL pukey
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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