If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
