i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
